Here’s Why Men Don’t Talk About Their Mental Health

And why these reasons are bollocks

Most of us already know that men aren’t great when it comes to talking about emotions, feelings or mental health right? I could give you stats all day…

  • Three times as many men as women die by suicide
  • Only 36% of psychological therapy referrals are men
  • Men are three times more likely to develop a substance misuse issue than women

And if you didn’t know before? That’s OK, you do now.

The default reason that people tend to go to for this is the whole toxic ‘man-up’ culture which is absolutely a thing and is something I’ll be speaking about later in this post but is that really it? Is it just that one reason or is there more to it? And whatever the reasons, is there any truth behind them?

Let’s break down the key reasons men don’t speak about their mental health…

  1. I can’t let my family down, I need to keep it together.

As a bloke living with a mental health condition (PTSD, in case you’re wondering) I feel this one. There’s this belief that men need to have their shit together and not let anything slow them down. It’s the same reason that men take fewer sick days off than women. It’s nothing to do with certain sex experiencing an illness more than the other, it’s this expectation of having to keep it together.

But here’s the thing, we’re not machines, we can’t keep running on an empty tank and at some point, we will get ill (mentally or physically) like anyone else and by trying to push through that, you’re serving nobody, including yourself. If you really had your shit together you would know when to call time and take a break.

 

  1. I’m not mentally ill!

You know what, you could be absolutely right, you might not be, but what exactly is ‘mentally ill?’, like, where’s the line? The truth is, mental health is just good or bad. Amy Morin, A psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do says “Mental health is a continuum. No one is completely mentally healthy or completely mentally ill,” and she’s absolutely right.

The truth is we ALL have mental health and it’s on a sliding scale that is constantly moving depending on what is happening in our lives and our bodies. The thing is, we’re not trained to say at which point on that line is the diagnosis of a mental health condition. It might even be that there isn’t a diagnosis but it would be helpful to have a chat with a counsellor or therapist to bring us up on that scale a little. That brings me nicely to our next one…

3. Talking doesn’t work!

Ah, this old chestnut. If I had £1 for every time I heard this well… I’d probably have about £20. But that’s a decent takeaway! Anyway, many people (not just men but let’s face it, in my experience, the majority of people who believe this are male) can’t possibly see how just sitting down and talking to someone can make everything better. Or they might have had a crappy experience with therapy or counselling in the past and think that it doesn’t work.

Believe it or not, in 2020 there were approximately 211,000 registered therapists in the UK, all with their own approach, style (some of them blending styles), personality and ways of being accessed. So if you had a bad one (unfortunately they do exist, like with any line of work) then I guarantee that there is someone out there who will work for you. Also, with SO MANY therapists out there and an entire branch of medicine dedicated to this one subject, would that make sense if it didn’t work?

The truth is that we don’t know what we don’t know, but what I do know is that talking therapies can be INCREDIBLY powerful and helpful in ways that we would never expect but if you don’t try it, how could you know?

4. What’s going on with me is too complicated to fix

You’re not a car engine, nobody is looking to ‘fix’ you (and if they say that they’re a charlatan). Take the focus off fixing anything and look instead for improvement. When I was in the very pits of my PTSD and depression, I couldn’t see any possibility of me ever getting better. Until I decided to stop focusing on recovery and aimed for a 1% improvement in how I was feeling. And then 1% after that and so on.

5. I don’t walk to be a burden

Trust me, you’re not. I get that you feel like everyone has their own shit to juggle. It’s part of the reason why diagnoses of depression went down during the COVID pandemic but reported symptoms of depression went up – people don’t want to ‘burden’ their doctor, but that’s literally what they’re there for. I promise you that any decent doctor would far you prefer to take up some of their time talking about your mental health than to not and just sit and stew in a shitty pit of emotional turmoil.

The same goes for friends & family, you wouldn’t believe just how many people suddenly come out of the woodwork and say “yeah me too” once you open up about your mental health. In a Men’s Health survey of more than 15,000 men, 34% said they’d be more comfortable addressing a topic such as depression if a friend talked about his own mental well-being first, so you are actually unburdening yourself and others by opening up.

6. I don’t want to be judged

This often comes about because our brains can be a massive dick sometimes and make us do/say/think some things that we wouldn’t want to talk about. I thought about driving my car into bridges & lamp posts. I thought about beating the shit out of my old sergeant on many occasions. Hell, when I became a dad I thought about yeeting my baby boy out the window when he wouldn’t stop crying. Just to clarify I love my little boy to bits and would never hurt him but these kinds of intrusive thoughts are common.

So, it’s easy to see why people might be scared of being judged but these kinds of thoughts are completely normal. By confiding in someone who is understanding of mental health there’s a much less chance of them judging you. Or speak to someone like The Samaritans who are 100% confidential and won’t ever judge anyone on what they say.

7. It means I’m weak

NO. IT. DOESN’T. Like I said before, we all have mental health, and at some point, we will all find ourselves slipping down that scale a bit – whether that means a mental health condition or not. Would you think someone else was weak for suffering from depression or anxiety or trauma? No? Then why think that of yourself?

It’s weaker to not say anything than it is to take the big step to open up and ask for some help.

The truth is, we have an uphill struggle when it comes to tackling the issue of men’s mental health and yes the stigma has A LOT to answer for but also understand what mental health is, what can cause us to struggle with our mental health and what the options for support are.

Men suffer from depression,

Men suffer from anxiety,

Men suffer from eating disorders

Men suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder

Men suffer from trauma (and not just military or public services

Men are affected by what happens in their life

Men cry.

We all have a responsibility to ourselves to look after our own health & wellbeing – both physical and mental. And in the same way that we maintain our physical health with nutrition, water and exercise, we need to maintain our mental health with self-care, self-awareness and turning to others for support when we need it because nobody is a one-man army. 


Do you agree or disagree with this? Or just have a thought or idea that you would like to share? Comment below or get in touch to discuss the work I do with organisations on mental health support at pete@petewhiteconsulting.co.uk